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I am no one. You don’t need to know my name. I sit here, in front of this computer screen trying to be the writer I know I am. But nothing comes to mind. So I sit and type, thinking of the past few days of my life. I knew I’d regret it, so why did I do it? I don’t know. I’m not myself these days. My life is changing and apparently I’m changing with it. I don’t really want to but I guess it’s happening whether I want it to or not. The things I do these days are forming my state of mind, molding me into something I would rather not become. People think I’m turning myself into my brother with all the things I do but hey, I may look like a shorter, prettier version of him but I am not he, so why can’t people just leave me alone? They can’t resist torturing my soul. They can’t resist making me regret living. They just can’t and I don’t know why. I know these words that are falling from my soul sound bitter and riddled with hate but they’re not. I’m just trying to get MY voice out there for people to hear, not that of my brother’s. I need my own identity but the people around me can’t grasp that concept. They place me up on this pedestal and I have no way down. No one will help me. They all think it’s a joke, a cruel heartless joke, so they laugh. “Wicked, Evil People!” I scream from high above, but they don’t hear me through their laughter. They all have evil intentions. I can trust no one. Not even myself. I thought I knew who I really was, but I guess not. Some nights, I sit alone and pray, asking God why did he have to choose me? To be the butt of all the jokes, the reason for the hate? I don’t know, again I state, I don’t know. So why do people ask me? They think I have all the answers to their many questions, but I don’t. I don’t. People have misjudged me in so many ways it hurts to even look at them. I just want it all to stop. The questions, the accusations, the hurt and the pain. But it won’t, it never will. So I continue to sit. Typing out my soul onto this computer screen thinking of my decisions, thinking of my mistakes, and thinking of my life, all alone…Forever. |